ogod.
ogodogodogod.
I’ve come at this from the viewpoint that it will end well, in Happily Ever After. but what if it doesn’t? what if we break up?
and the worst part… I think I might be the one to break up with him.
I realized today that I’m not happy.
It’s all the little things that are turning out to be big things. I don’t feel crazy-in-love. And it really bothers me that I am smarter than he is. (There’s no denying it.) I act like I’m still single when I’m not actually with him. I tell myself it’s because I’m so used to being independent, but what if it’s not?
But. He is wonderful. He does love me. a lot. He would be a good husband, and an amazing father.
It will be okay. I think.
If we can just work out a few things…?
I will NOT change him. He will not change for me. (she said to herself a thousand times to remind herself of this fact.)
I guess it’s safe to say that the honeymoon’s over. (It took 6 months; my timing’s doing better! It used to last only 2 or 3.)
These are the moments
You know how in movies, they show a montage of the couple being happy together and having fun and being ridiculously cute, etc.? And it’s usually followed by some hardship that they have to go through, and they have to hold on to the happy memories and the strength of their bond to make it through, blah blah?
Well.
That’s where we’re at. At the happy part, I mean. I feel like we’re making all these happy memories for this random montage to be played in the future where we can cry and say ‘oh those were the days’ and be nostalgic.
We randomly went out last night, and we ended up going to this island nearby and wandering down to the fancy hotel bar and sitting by the fire for a bit then walking on the beach in the waves and making out and being so incredibly romantic that it hurt. Then on the way back we stopped by a place where they make ice cream and were romantic some more and I fell even deeper in love with him.
It’s odd, because I’ve always known him. And yet… now I know him. I love him more and more each day. I’m glad, because in the beginning, I thought “well yeah, I love him, but if this is it, I’m worried.” But everyone says you love people more as time goes on. And it’s true.
I feel so strangely protective of him sometimes. He’s never cared what people think, but I always have. It’s good for me to be with him because he helps balance me out… and vice versa.
Being human is no fun
…sometimes.
There are moments when I realize that my dog is infinitely happier than I am.
There are also times when being human means we make mistakes. We experience pain. And, since we haven’t reached enlightenment (yet…, or at least I’m the last to know), our past can still bring us pain.
For example: I’ve been in a few relationships. Since they are in my past, it is safe for you to assume that they failed. And unfortunately, most of them failed miserably (actually most were spectacularly awful). They failed for a number of reasons, but they each had one thing in common.
There was always another woman.
And yes, these experiences have changed me. I have grown from each encounter, I believe into a better person. However, there is one drawback: I have become a jealous person.
It’s painful to realize. I used to be carefree. I used to skip blithely through life, uncaring who my significant other talks to, works with, hangs out with when they’re not with me…. I didn’t care. I figured, hey, they have chosen to date me, so what could happen?
But after the first decided to leave me so he could date his co-worker, the second admitted that he was in love with his best (married) friend and she was leaving her husband for a trial separation so they could “see what happens,” and the third actually slept with his ex behind my back and got her pregnant, (then decided to “do the right thing” and marry her) (God he was such a winner), I have become slightly jumpy.
After all, they say that the only common factor in all your dysfunctional relationships is you. (or something to that effect.)
So it isn’t too hard to understand that I would be worried when his ex comes up often in conversations and likes to stalk him online and just so happens to remain involved in many of their past social activities.
Ugh. Love is hard. It’s difficult to care about someone, because then they have the power to hurt you.
in shock
Discovered several things this weekend.
1) My best friend lied to me. Also she likes to share my deepest, darkest secrets with other people.
2) He already knows my deepest, darkest secret. (and let’s be honest; I hadn’t decided if I was ever going to even tell him. I was actually leaning towards the deathbed confession-type scenario.)
3) He knew this about me before we started dating. Before. And yet he still pursued me.
4) He loves me. Me. With the deep, dark secret and everything.
5) I am completely, totally, head-over-heels with the most wonderful, amazing, perfect-for-me guy in the world.
6) I am going to marry that man.
So I’m sorry; I haven’t done much more writing. I’ll post what I have in a day or so, but it’s very rough-draft type material.
a bit more
Well… option one is out. :) And he’s so very sweet. He’s treated me better than any other so far, and it’s only been two days.
He gave me roses (with the sweetest, most corny message ever) and a tennis bracelet, and we spent the day together being shmaltzy and adorable.
I was right, however. It’s a little awkward at first, transitioning in different areas from “friends” to “more.” And yet it feels much the same as usual. We already know how to talk, fight, deal with other people…
Mostly I’m happy. But still a little nervous, and afraid.
