letters to the past
I cannot believe all that both of us have put up with from each other over the years. (Yes, I gave you a lot of pain. There’s no way I’m going to deny that. I’m sorry, for what it’s worth.)
I’ve known you for nearly half my life (off and on) and I think I’ve earned the right to be able to call your crap. You were my best friend. At one point, you were even my other half. You knew me upside down and inside out. And I’m fed up with your bullshit. (well, I was a while ago, but only thought to write this now.)
Let’s face it: we’re still going to keep running into each other due to various family connections and church and such (or because fate likes to make you her bitch), so hey guess what, we’re going to hash this out.
A) I contacted you again because I missed you. You were, at one time, the one person who knew me best, and I don’t believe in just tossing that aside lightly. I never learned the concept of “letting go.” and I never thought I would have to, when it came to you. However, you can relax. I did not want to ‘pick things up again’ because of several reasons, not the least of which was our personalities and the way we meshed. Bad idea all the way around. So stop acting so jumpy. I thought I’d made that clear, but I guess I should’ve set it in stone.
(And, to my surprise, contacting you worked! I loved being able to talk to you, to share, to have a small part of that old, pre-disaster connection. It was good, it was fun, it was “us” again. then… wtf.)
B) Like you said, I’ve changed. Grown-up me doesn’t believe in holding back, or pretending. Life is too short for games. There is a part of me that still loves you, (not in the ‘hey let’s date’ way, or the ‘unrequited’ way, but the ‘old friends who shared a lot’ affectionate way), and I probably always will. I’m not going to pretend that you didn’t mean a lot to me, or that you didn’t have a lot of influence in my life. (Not all of it was positive, but we’re human and that’s life.)
C) Good things about you: the way you are able to be attentive to the little things. don’t change that.
D) Bad things about you: never ever ever EVER tell a girl what is wrong with her physical appearance. We know. I still can’t believe I put up with it from you, or that you would have the sheer jackassery to even say it. It still makes me wish I had just outright punched you in the face.
E) Grown-ups say “hey, I’m seeing somebody, so peace.” or whatever excuse you want to use. (Even that is rude, but whatever.) Dropping off the face of the planet is the most cowardly of all possible recourses you could’ve used. And that’s sad. Even for you. I know you take ‘non-confrontation’ to new levels of ridiculous, but really. Man up. Even the unspoken one had the fortitude to call me, and he was the scum of the earth.
F) Along those lines, yes, the bf and I are together. I guess it’s not surprising to a lot of people, but it’s something that really never occurred to me before. I guess I win that age-old question of whether he loves you more than he loves me.
G) If you’re happy, then great. Really. I hope the east coast is amazing for you. If I ever see you again, I’ll smile and be nice, because like I said, life is too short for pretending. I just didn’t want to leave anything unsaid.
I’ll be honest, I’ve wished that I could just banish you forever. I know you said that it’s hard for you to ignore me, and that you wanted to see if I’d “reconnect the threads” or something. The truth is, I don’t think those ‘threads’ will ever fully break. And it frustrates me. A lot. You’ve said before that I was the one person you could count on for the rest of your life. Well… I’m holding that end of the bargain. Yes, our love has changed (drastically) from what it was. Perhaps, in your case, it’s faded entirely.
I give up. I’m putting all my cards on the table, because I’m at a place where it’s okay for me to completely humiliate myself in front of people who have demonstrated that they could care less whether I take a flying leap into the lake or whatever nonsense phrase you’d like to use. (It helps, I suppose, to know that I have someone who loves me and has never treated me half as badly as you did at one point.)
Let’s review, okay?
no more crap… I missed you, not in love with you, there’s a big difference… ummm… good and bad… other people…. oh yes. one last thing.
I have bigger balls than you.
Have a nice life.
a bit more
Well… option one is out. :) And he’s so very sweet. He’s treated me better than any other so far, and it’s only been two days.
He gave me roses (with the sweetest, most corny message ever) and a tennis bracelet, and we spent the day together being shmaltzy and adorable.
I was right, however. It’s a little awkward at first, transitioning in different areas from “friends” to “more.” And yet it feels much the same as usual. We already know how to talk, fight, deal with other people…
Mostly I’m happy. But still a little nervous, and afraid.
too much
He was away this week.
He sent me a message in a bottle. A message in a bottle. So stinkin’ cute.
My best friend is over the moon about this. I think she might be more excited than I am. My roommates have been pushing for this since they met him (even when I insisted that there was nothing there and could never be).
He’s planning something big for tomorrow… and I find that I’m nearly paralyzed with fear.
My last relationship started out so well that I thought it was forever. He fit everything I thought I ever wanted, only to see that no, he was quite possibly the worst thing that could’ve happened to me. He manipulated me and left me empty and broken.
I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and pieced my life back together quite well… I thought I was doing great. I was fierce, ready to move on.
Only now I discover that I’m so very afraid. He means so much to me; what if I destroy him? He’s too Good to manipulate me, so what if I start pulling out all my old tricks and habits? What if… what if?
I’ve come to three conclusions.
1) We won’t date. We’ll pretend that nothing more was ever possible. We’ll stay happy and friendly and awesome together.
2) We’ll date. It’ll be great, slightly awkward at first as we transition from old friends to new couple, but great. Then we’ll hit a snag (on what, I have no idea), fight horribly, then have a monumental break-up that shatters our friendship and forces everyone we know to pick sides.
3) We’ll date. It’llbe great, slightly awkward at first as we transition from old friends to new couple, but great. Then we’ll keep dating, realize that we click so well that we never want to be with anyone else ever, and date for the rest of our lives.*
There are only these three options. I’m afraid to find out which it will be.
*means “get married.” because we really would be that cute couple in love forever.
What do you think?
Grand passion, in my experience, has always led to heartbreak and a Very Bad breakup.
But what about warm fuzzies? Will those turn into a slow burn to last a lifetime?
Will the (warm, gentle) solid pressure of his hand at my back remain, (as opposed to the sly entwining of his arm about my waist, which melted away as soon as opposition arose)?
We’ve known one another for more than a decade, and he’s still here. Even interested. Am I a fool to ignore such a thing, simply because I do not feel swept off my feet?
Is this the first fully mature, adult relationship I might have?
Note to self
Pros:
He always makes you smile.
Whenever he’s in town, you glow in anticipation.
He’s seen you at your best and worst, and loves you just the same.
He understands your family.
Having watched him go through a crash-and-burn of his own, you’ve seen his break-up side.
He’s always treated you better than your best boyfriend ever did. (which, might I add? so very sad.)
He values the small things in life.
He likes to spoil you.
You have the same taste in… many things.
He’s the type who would read a book, just because you want to talk about it with him.
Lets you take his jacket, gets an odd look in his eye when he sees you wearing it.
Has known you for… ever.
Rubs your feet when they get cramped.
Great with kids.
Thinks you’re hopeless. which, roughly translated into his language, means adorable.
You’re never nervous or awkward around him. Never have been, hopefully never will be.
Cons:
Easy-going. Sometimes too easy-going. How does he fight? How does he argue?
Republican. What will the kids be like? :p
More emotionally available than any guy you’ve been with; has you running scared and worried that you don’t have to claw it out of him.
Not the most intellectual of sorts. (BFD.)
Has the most obnoxious best friend, which reflects badly on him.
His mom. Both good and bad. (sure, she loves you, but she could easily morph into the mother-in-law from hell.)
Umm… no spark. When you think of Grand Passion and The Everlasting Love, he is not the first thing that comes to mind.
You’re afraid.
You’re afraid that it’s not enough.
That you’ll be giving in to what’s safe instead of holding out for soul-shaking love.
It is comfortable with him. He’s like wrapping yourself in a huge blanket when it’s cold and raining outside and you put on your favorite movie and lie on the couch together and drink hot soup. He is comfort. But not the heart-stopping excitement, the butterflies-in-the-stomach, sends-sparks-to-my-fingertips kind of infatuation. When he calls, you get warm fuzzies, but no leaping lizards. A slow smile of contentment, but no light-up-your-face radiance.
Announcement
I wish you health and happiness, but above all, I wish you joy.
When I first met you, I knew that I wanted to know you better. I could tell that your soul was Good, that we would be great friends, and that I would be a better person for knowing you.
All those years of talking with you, of listening to you ask, “Where was mine?” “When will it be my turn?” and “Should I even be looking right now?”
I have to say it. ”I told you so.”
Blessings upon your life together.
Old friends
Old friends are like…
your favorite socks.
sweatshirt (warm, fuzzy, and real) hugs.
the smell of fresh laundry out of a dryer.
your favorite song from high school on the radio.
a bowl of soup when it’s raining outside.
kisses from a puppy.
